Katy McKenna Raymond  
Personal blog of christian writer Katy McKenna Raymond in Kansas City, Missouri

Personal blog of christian
writer & fallible mom
Katy McKenna Raymond
in Kansas City, Missouri


Katy is represented by
Greg Johnson at
WordServe Literary

Read more Katy at
LateBoomer.net

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If You Thought The First Part Was Fun, Read Part Deux!

Mary DeMuth and I finish our IM session with a bit of a meltdown, but not before Mary reveals the heart behind her latest book, “Building the Christian Home You Never Had.” Enjoy!

Mary DemuthKaty: I’ve wondered: What do you think about telling your children the stupid stuff you did in your youth? Or, for that matter, yesterday? Like if they ask whether you did drugs, and which ones….

Mary: I have a chapter in the book about that. So go read it. No, seriously…

Katy: I AM reading it, you silly jeune fille! But please tempt my readers a little bit with a nugget so they’ll go out and buy it, too.

Mary: I will tell my kids stuff as God leads. A typical rule of thumb is to tell your kids things you did when they are the same age you were when you did it. But, with some sensitive things, you may need to refrain.

Katy: Only if they ask, or if their situation warrants it?

Mary: Usually situational. And keeping in mind the nature of each child, you may end up telling one child one thing at one age, and another child at a different age. I call it telling cautionary tales. Learn from my stupidity…that sort of thing. That way I’m not coming across as the perfect Pollyanna Parent and I’m trusting my children with my honesty.

Katy: I agree. Cautionary tales. I recently told my daughter something and she said how much closer she felt to me because I’d done something so dumb!

Mary: That’s what I’m talking about.

Katy: She’s almost 24, and I’m still revealing things to her about my past.

Mary: That shows that our relationships with our kids go beyond age 18.

Katy: Relationships with kids should continue to get stronger and more real.

Mary: Yeah. And I guess I’m trying to avoid the secret thing. I grew up in a home with secrets, secrets that are still around. It is crazy-making.

Katy: I did, too. I suppose I’ll carry some of my father’s secrets forever, or maybe not. It’s bad when they tell you things and say, “Don’t tell your mother.” Yikes!

Mary: That’s a big burden to bear.

Katy: Yeah. So what are you saying? That you just refuse to bear it? You tell family secrets?

Mary: It’s not that. I just try to parent differently so that there aren’t so many rules and secrets. And, yes, I tell, if God seems to be prompting me.

Katy: How do you encourage your own children to open up to you? And what’s the connection between rules and secrets?

Mary: I didn’t mean we shouldn’t have rules. What I meant was that each dysfunctional home has its strange set of guidelines like: don’t tell about what really goes on behind these walls, stuff like that. If you have a family dynamic like that, you’ll have secrets. But young children aren’t necessarily wired to hold all that together. I encourage my children to open up by being available and by being real myself.

Katy: Looking back, I think I probably asked my kids too many questions that could be answered with yes or no, instead of leading them into a discussion. I’m bad like that.

Mary: Me too. But I’m learning.

Katy: Questions like “Did you have a good day?” “Do you have homework?” “Are your gym socks smelly?”

Mary: Yes, Mom.

Katy: It’s a form of parental laziness…

Mary: Around the dinner table every night, we ask our kids to share their high and low of the day. It’s a simple way for us to take their temperature emotionally.

Katy: Oooh-la-la! Hot stuff, coming through! OK, Mary, what question do you wish I would ask you right now?

Mary: Ask me how hurting parents can pursue healing.

Katy: Mary, I know you had a lot of hurts in your own childhood, and some of those emotions must have carried over into your parenting years. How can hurting parents pursue healing?

Mary: What a great question!

Katy: I know!

Mary: Well, first, realize that emotional healing takes time and is a bit scary. I liken it to walking into a dark tunnel with Jesus. Most Christians, if I can be so bold, don’t walk into that tunnel.

Katy: I’m scared already. I’m not sure I’ve gone there yet. I’m still afraid of MRI machines.

Mary: Once in there, Jesus shows the movie of our lives and holds us through the pain. The joy comes when we walk THROUGH the tunnel and get to the other side and see the amazing new vista there. But you can’t see the vista without the tunnel. And once Jesus heals you, your relationships start bearing marks of that healing.

Katy: Is this a one-time tunnel trip?

Mary: Nope. There’s more than one tunnel.

Katy: Oh-oh. Like there are more than two shoes that drop?

Mary: It’s like forgiveness. We can breathe prayers of forgiveness, but it’s never a one-time event. It’s a process. A painful one.

Katy: Forgiveness. Yeah. I can forgive the same person for the same offense a hundred times before I finally start to “feel” it.

Mary: But healing is seldom easy. It’s an act of the will. And forgiveness isn’t the same as reconciliation, so you can forgive but still not be in relationship with the person you’ve forgiven. It’s sticky.

Katy: That is so true!

Mary: Speaking of healing, how are those ganglions? Did I spell them right?

Katy: Yes. Ganglion cysts on my fingers. Dangling ganglions. I think the operation on Cyst Number One went swimmingly, thank you.

Mary: Sounds like the Hanging Gardens of Babylon to me.

Katy: Oh, baby! The Dangling Gardens of Ganglion…

Mary: Yes!

Katy: Will you be my IM mentor? And my parenting mentor? Or is it too late for me?

Mary: It’s never too late. (Wow, that sounds like a Jedi giving advice, doesn’t it? Yes, your Yoda I will be.)

Katy: My Yoda, indeed…

Mary: Go Seahawks! I’m from Seattle.

Katy: Yes! Go Seahawks! I’ve never said that before. Wait…is that a football thing? Um, Mary, as my IM mentor, can you tell me—How do I stop this thing?

Mary: You don’t. You’re stuck forever.

Katy: Oh, NOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!

Mary: Au revoir, mon amie!

Posted by Katy on 01/27/06 at 11:01 PM
Fallible Comments...
  1. "Katy: I AM reading it, you silly jeune fille!"

    To Katy: Did you just call Mary your "jelly filled doughnut"?

    To Mary: Superb advice about sharing your "youthful indiscetions" with our children at an age appropriate time in their lives. Thank you, great Jedi Master. May the Force keep you from too many Jerry Lewis film festivals.

    To Katy and Mary: Ummmmm . . . what's a Seahawk?
    Posted by Michael O'Connor  on  01/28/06  at  02:53 AM
  2. Michael--Surely not! I called her my "Sugar-free jelly filled doughnut"!

    And the whole Seahawk thing? What's up with that?
    Posted by Katy  on  01/28/06  at  04:03 AM
  3. OK, now, I grew up in Seattle so I am a Seahawk fan. THEY ARE THE TEAM GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL, folks!!! Come on now! :-)
    Posted by relevantgirl  on  01/28/06  at  08:49 AM
  4. She is right, Michael. And because of my deep fondness for her, I will again take up my new-found mantra: "Go, SEAHAWKS!"
    Who are they playing against?
    Posted by Katy  on  01/28/06  at  02:41 PM
  5. Oh, wow - am I isolated! I didn't know the Seahawks were going to the Superbowl!!! Who are they playing?

    Great interview - as always, Mary, you are authentic and real . . . and tangible. Not out there living or selling some perceived life of perfection that we can never attain.
    Posted by Ame  on  01/28/06  at  03:26 PM
  6. they are playing in detroit against the pittsburg steelers. So, everyone please say a cheer for them because they've never been before!
    Posted by relevantgirlie  on  01/28/06  at  07:48 PM
  7. I beg to differ o wise, witty, and wonderful ones of the fairer sex. The Seahawks are not playing Detroit for the dominant spot on Super Bowl Sunday. Indeed, they are pitted in a mano a mano duel to the death bloodbath against History. And given the Hawks' record in big games, I believe History kicks the Seahorses in the shins and sends them running home, crying to Mommy.

    If I'm wrong, and you know (to emulate the great Adrian Monk) "I'm not" I'll gladly send you (Mary) a signed copy of my latest (and only) book. Should you lose I would expect to see a copy of any Mary DeMuth tome you choose hitting my Los Angeles mailbox sometime in early February.

    We could bill this epic struggle as "The Titanic Battle of the Fallible Guest Bloggers." I think we might get this onto pay-per-view.

    What do you say Mary?
    Posted by Michael O'Connor  on  01/28/06  at  08:59 PM
  8. You're on. I didn't say they were playing detroit!

    But, alas, there is always something beautiful about a Cinderalla story, don't you think?
    Posted by releavntgirl  on  01/29/06  at  10:16 AM
  9. Yes, there is something truly amazing about a Cinderella team with a chance to win it all. Unfortunately, you are talking to a 50 year old San Fancisco Giants fan who has suffered with his team not winning it all in his lifetime--who saw the 2002 Giants lose a five run lead with seven outs to go in the deciding Game Six that year.

    The last time the Giants won the World Series? 1954. The year before I was born.

    But, back to the Seahawks. I have nothing against them. It's just that history tells us they choke in the big game. This will give me some sort of reason to watch the game. Who knows? I'll probably end up rooting for the CinderHawks.
    Posted by Michael O'Connor  on  01/29/06  at  05:56 PM
  10. Go Steelers!!! =)
    Posted by Amber  on  01/30/06  at  04:16 PM
  11. Speaking of Jerry Lewis and the CinderHawks, my son received a DVD set of old Jerry Lewis movies for Christmas. He watched CinderFella last night, and I caught snatches of it. I'd forgotten how cheesy those flicks are, but the man was a master of physical humor (which Jacob loves, so hearing him laugh with abandon is worth enduring the cheese).

    Great interview Mary and Katy. I wish I were as hip as you two. I (finally) got my so-called pre-release copy of the book in the mail. Now I can read it and be a late-to-the-party-in-a-box cool kid wannabe. You know, the one who shows up an hour after everyone else has gone home, just in time to watch the janitor sweep up the confetti. *Cue melancholy violin music*

    In other news, go Seahawks!

    Love, J.
    Posted by Jeanne Damoff  on  01/30/06  at  04:37 PM
  12. Thanks, Jeanne, for your support of our Cinderella friends. And I'm glad you finally got your book!
    Posted by relevantgirl  on  01/30/06  at  05:01 PM
  13. Loved the interview. I laughed when you both laughed. Mary shared priceless nuggets there.

    This is a great format, Katy. I hope you'll do more of them.
    Posted by Macromoments  on  01/30/06  at  07:07 PM
  14. Thanks, Macro Bonnie, Jeanne, Amber, Michael and all. I think we've just had ourselves either a successful author interview (using that term loosely...) or we've all taken up gambling. Or possibly both! Go, Seahawks!
    Posted by Katy  on  01/31/06  at  05:02 PM
  15. Hi, Katy! As someone who participated with you in some youthful indiscretions, I am gratified to see that you seem to ascribe to the same philosphy I have developed through trial and error. I think my children have benefited (somewhat) through hearing about my bad decisions. My kids are a little younger than yours, you know, and I have been feeling my way through this particularly as my youngest seems to have figured out almost every stupid and dangerous thing I ever did. I think that he is relieved to know that I made mistakes. HOWEVER, knowing that I made them and now consider them to be mistakes, does not seem to discourage him from doing much the same himself. Parenting is not a precise science, is it? Hope all is well with you. Love, Lori
    Posted by Lori  on  02/14/06  at  12:34 AM
  16. Lori--Well!!! I am shocked and awed to find you here! Most of my friends in the "real" world don't know I blog, because I just haven't mentioned it. Ah...Youthful Indiscretions Backwards R Us, huh? ;)
    You know, Lori, I still haven't spilled every bean I could, but when it's important and hopefully helpful, I do. So far, spilling hasn't backfired too badly...yet. I love you!
    Posted by Katy  on  02/14/06  at  12:47 AM
    17. Page 1 of 1 pages
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