People Pleasing

What would you be doing with your life if you didn't care what people thought of you? What is it that you really want to do, that you even suspect you might have been created to do?

If you're already doing it, how did you get past being concerned about the opinions, wishes and criticisms of others?

Hey, my dad's been dead twenty years, and I'm still trying to please him. Although I'm starting to think that if the straight A's didn't do it ("Why aren't these A+s?"), it ain't gonna happen.

Put another way, what are you doing with your life, because of the expectations of others, that you'd rather not be doing?

Either way, is there a small step you can take today to move you closer to what you envision for your life?

Life is short, you know, and getting shorter all the time.

Posted by Katy on 08/30/04 at 02:06 PM

Fallible Comments...

i can't answer these questions - i'm a mother of small children. ask me again in a few years or so... :)
-----
Posted by lisa on 08/31/04 at 04:02 AM
Great questions. These are the exact questions God was asking me on my journey over to Greenbelt. Could there be a pattern here? (-:
Posted by will on 08/31/04 at 11:08 AM
Ahh, the question I like to ask but can't seem to answer.

But I'm taking baby steps.

Thanks for the reminder.
Posted by michael snyder on 08/31/04 at 07:14 PM
Because of other's expectations, I'm not saying "no" nearly enough. Someday I'll learn that it's okay to "just say no", but so far I'm a victim to volunteering and being a slave to other's wants and desires.
Posted by Bridget on 08/31/04 at 07:51 PM
I was at a ladies function at church the other night. The speaker talked about developing a mission statement for the stage of life you're in. Then, when you're asked to volunteer or whatever, the statement can serve as a sort of sieve through which to filter the request.

So if a component of your mission statement it "to pursue opportunities to mentor little kids in learning to write," for example, and you're asked to keep score for the high school basketball season, you might come to an easier "No" answer than you would without a clear mission statement.

I, too, have a hard time saying no. But I'm getting better at it!
Posted by Katy on 08/31/04 at 08:00 PM
we talked about this at Bible study last night..i shared that i found it easier to say no to extra commitments by letting the person asking know that i have a problem with overextending myself, say i'm working hard to be better with it, and thank them for their help by not expecting me to give in to their request. oh, the relief...
Posted by lisa on 08/31/04 at 10:21 PM
Lisa...what a wonderful idea! I suspect that people would think that I was just joking, though, and would "sign me up" for whatever it is anyway. It's worth a shot, though. :) Being a yes-girl can get awfully stressful.
Posted by Bridget on 09/01/04 at 03:14 AM
yes, i admit it is a tounge in cheek sort of thing to say...you could always give out katy's phone # as your own when signing up for things you cannot say no to, that may help cut down some...
Posted by lisa on 09/01/04 at 05:15 AM
I suppose if you take a step back and look at it, you can either act to achieve someone else's goals, or act to achieve your own. Achieving their goals can being a little shallow happiness, but achieving your own can leave you fulfilled and happier. The problem, though, is actually going through with those choices, not just making them.
Posted by rowan on 09/01/04 at 10:46 AM
Lisa...Tee, Hee! Katy would love me for that one! She has enough to do taking our Mom to and from the doctor and taking me to the the occasional doctor appointment as well. I am greatly appreciative for all my big sis does!!! :)
Posted by Bridget on 09/02/04 at 02:31 PM
Okay. The thing with giving out Katy's phone number is becoming epidemic!

This is a true story:

My friend who lives a couple houses up the road called me one day to confess. "I've done something horrible," she said. "I was angry that my new neighbor put up a horrible huge shed on his property, right where I see it out my kitchen window. I called her to complain, and I let her have it. Finally she asked my name. And--I'm so sorry!!--I panicked and said my name was KATY RAYMOND!"

So, Bridgie, give them all my number. And you, too, Lisa! It won't be the first time.... :)
Posted by Katy on 09/02/04 at 04:52 PM
By the way, I only meant to write one "the" in the above comment...it's the meds talking...ugh....
Posted by Bridget on 09/02/04 at 06:39 PM
but you handle it all with such grace, katy...(i had a good laugh over that story :)

i don't actually have your phone # to pass around, but i know a little ex-barista from topeka who would give it to me if i asked ;)

bridget, i have a big sis, too..and although she lives across the ocean from me now, she still does a lot for me. there's nothing like a second mama!
Posted by lisa on 09/02/04 at 08:10 PM
What frazzles me are the non-family pseudo-obligations. And then I get short with my family... I said "no" twice yesterday. One to a friend (makeup party :0) and one to a pastor (teach a children's class). So far, no guilt :)
Posted by Anne on 09/03/04 at 01:26 AM
good for you, anne...i actually said "no" to babysitting this week. oh, the guilt, but it was freeing in a way also...
Posted by lisa on 09/03/04 at 05:08 AM
Ok, you people, you've taken a challenge to accomplish something, to do what God has put in your heart to do, and turned it into an opportunity to 'just say no'. Congratulations. I was feeling pretty condemned by Katy's post anyway.

I've said no before, no to some very worhwhile things, like teaching a Sunday School class. I said no and still didn't do what I felt God was wanting me to do. There's plenty of reasons. Anybody who wants to write should read a lot, so I read a lot. I read a lot more than I write. I watch TV. Just worthwhile things, you know, things that will inform me and make me a better writer.

You know what the real reason is? It's not that I can't say no. I just haven't decided. I haven't decided that God really wants me to do what I claim He has. I have decided that maybe He has.

To do what you are called to do takes more than just saying no. It takes making up your mind. I need to drive a stake into the ground that says, 'I know what I am supposed to' and I'll not go back on it, no matter what Satan whispers in my ear.

Remember the stones the chidren of Israel took out of the river bed when they crossed the Jordan? Joshua took some, too. And he built a memorial in the middle of the river. That intrigue's the heck out of me. Stones of Rememerance. There's a title for you.

PS: I thought this was going to be light and clever but it seems to have come out meaner than I expected. Take the clever and leave the mean stuff for me.
Posted by Angus Lewis on 09/03/04 at 03:44 PM
Angus's point about not just learning to say no, but then doing the thing we intend to do, is correct.

It's like the financial teaching that if you just forego your "latte factor," you'll gain financial independence. It's true you have to say "no" to the little indulgences that are keeping you from your greater goal, but then you actually have to save and/or invest the money you didn't spend frivolously.

Maybe, to be actively intentional, for every time I say "no," I need to commit to what I'll really be doing with that time. Am I going to work on my next book with the time I would have spent in the church nursery? Or am I just saying no, but not pursuing the thing I'd rather/should be doing?

Please don't confuse me for someone who has anwers. I'm just like all the other post-modern, quasi-emergent bloggers out there. All questions, all the time... :)
Posted by Katy on 09/03/04 at 05:08 PM
I agree absolutely, lack of commitment to one thing doesn't presuppose a commitment to any other worthwhile thing. It could just mean that I've gotten lazy as all get out as I've gotten older. :)
I think the "no" thing is so big because it's hard to change streams/habits/attitudes/thought processes. For me it is, anyway. And as Angus said, "I haven't decided that God really wants me to do what I claim He has. I have decided that maybe He has." That's actually much farther along than I am.
Some things must drop off in order to move forward in testing out whether I'm really hearing what God wants or not. The temptation is to just add on the new things and continue with all the old commitments. That way no one's expectations of me have to change. And I'm not disappointing anyone. I'm just becoming a frazzled mess. Then who has time to listen when God has something to say?
Right now, I'm still definitely listening and re-grouping and preparing myself with some basic background knowledge that I didn't take the time to get when I was younger. And I'm loving it! But it does take up quite a bit of time and here I am back at saying "no" once again. :)
Posted by Anne on 09/03/04 at 06:22 PM
I used to think there was something I was missing, something waiting for me to find it, something More. But recently, I've come to realize I'm precisely where and what I'm meant to be, growing, changing, enjoying all the while. And that thing that was waiting? It was my life, patiently yet quickly passing by in hopes I would stop to notice it.

I did. And am happier for it.
Posted by Jennifer on 09/04/04 at 02:41 AM
jennifer, in that i am in your boat with you, though our circumstances may be a bit different...i began answering this post of katy's with a comment about my current place in life. where i am is chock full of opportunities to give, to love, to teach and learn, to experience ups and downs and figure out how to walk with my God through them...again, i am the mother of small children. this, in effect, is my calling, my mission field, what i'm supposed to be doing. and i find that when i take on a lot of outside stuff in the interests of those outside my family or even just myself, that calling suffers. so to clarify - that is why i need to be better about saying no - i agree with the wisdom of not just denying one thing but redirecting the resources to the right thing. and i love that we can share and question and respond in bloggerland - i think it's a healthy thing.

alright, someone else's turn on the soapbox...
Posted by lisa on 09/05/04 at 03:30 PM
Just say "oh, I have something planned already..." and leave it at that.

Then go home and take a bubblebath.

You will find yourself saying NO much more often when you attach a reward to it.
Posted by Ed on 09/12/04 at 09:28 PM

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Personal blog of christian writer & fallible mom Katy McKenna Raymond in Kansas City, Missouri Katy is represented by Greg Johnson at WordServe Literary Read more Katy at LateBoomer.net Follow Katy on Twitter Follow Katy on Facebook 123 Recent Posts Try Becoming Brenda Starr Off Beat Scattered That’s It So I’ve Finally Signed With An Agent. Now What? The Spoon Sciatica Sweetheart A Woman’s Train of Thought Has No Caboose However much we own, we are all still living on borrowed time After all, when restaurants shrink portions, they don’t shrink prices. As with everything in life, balance is key. Slow down, you move too fast… Yeah, I know. I have issues. Search Advanced Search Syndicate Login E me at katy @ ngenius.com	People Pleasing What would you be doing with your life if you didn't care what people thought of you? What is it that you really want to do, that you even suspect you might have been created to do? If you're already doing it, how did you get past being concerned about the opinions, wishes and criticisms of others? Hey, my dad's been dead twenty years, and I'm still trying to please him. Although I'm starting to think that if the straight A's didn't do it ("Why aren't these A+s?"), it ain't gonna happen. Put another way, what are you doing with your life, because of the expectations of others, that you'd rather not be doing? Either way, is there a small step you can take today to move you closer to what you envision for your life? Life is short, you know, and getting shorter all the time. Posted by Katy on 08/30/04 at 02:06 PM Fallible Comments... i can't answer these questions - i'm a mother of small children. ask me again in a few years or so... :) ----- Posted by lisa on 08/31/04 at 04:02 AM Great questions. These are the exact questions God was asking me on my journey over to Greenbelt. Could there be a pattern here? (-: Posted by will on 08/31/04 at 11:08 AM Ahh, the question I like to ask but can't seem to answer. But I'm taking baby steps. Thanks for the reminder. Posted by michael snyder on 08/31/04 at 07:14 PM Because of other's expectations, I'm not saying "no" nearly enough. Someday I'll learn that it's okay to "just say no", but so far I'm a victim to volunteering and being a slave to other's wants and desires. Posted by Bridget on 08/31/04 at 07:51 PM I was at a ladies function at church the other night. The speaker talked about developing a mission statement for the stage of life you're in. Then, when you're asked to volunteer or whatever, the statement can serve as a sort of sieve through which to filter the request. So if a component of your mission statement it "to pursue opportunities to mentor little kids in learning to write," for example, and you're asked to keep score for the high school basketball season, you might come to an easier "No" answer than you would without a clear mission statement. I, too, have a hard time saying no. But I'm getting better at it! Posted by Katy on 08/31/04 at 08:00 PM we talked about this at Bible study last night..i shared that i found it easier to say no to extra commitments by letting the person asking know that i have a problem with overextending myself, say i'm working hard to be better with it, and thank them for their help by not expecting me to give in to their request. oh, the relief... Posted by lisa on 08/31/04 at 10:21 PM Lisa...what a wonderful idea! I suspect that people would think that I was just joking, though, and would "sign me up" for whatever it is anyway. It's worth a shot, though. :) Being a yes-girl can get awfully stressful. Posted by Bridget on 09/01/04 at 03:14 AM yes, i admit it is a tounge in cheek sort of thing to say...you could always give out katy's phone # as your own when signing up for things you cannot say no to, that may help cut down some... Posted by lisa on 09/01/04 at 05:15 AM I suppose if you take a step back and look at it, you can either act to achieve someone else's goals, or act to achieve your own. Achieving their goals can being a little shallow happiness, but achieving your own can leave you fulfilled and happier. The problem, though, is actually going through with those choices, not just making them. Posted by rowan on 09/01/04 at 10:46 AM Lisa...Tee, Hee! Katy would love me for that one! She has enough to do taking our Mom to and from the doctor and taking me to the the occasional doctor appointment as well. I am greatly appreciative for all my big sis does!!! :) Posted by Bridget on 09/02/04 at 02:31 PM Okay. The thing with giving out Katy's phone number is becoming epidemic! This is a true story: My friend who lives a couple houses up the road called me one day to confess. "I've done something horrible," she said. "I was angry that my new neighbor put up a horrible huge shed on his property, right where I see it out my kitchen window. I called her to complain, and I let her have it. Finally she asked my name. And--I'm so sorry!!--I panicked and said my name was KATY RAYMOND!" So, Bridgie, give them all my number. And you, too, Lisa! It won't be the first time.... :) Posted by Katy on 09/02/04 at 04:52 PM By the way, I only meant to write one "the" in the above comment...it's the meds talking...ugh.... Posted by Bridget on 09/02/04 at 06:39 PM but you handle it all with such grace, katy...(i had a good laugh over that story :) i don't actually have your phone # to pass around, but i know a little ex-barista from topeka who would give it to me if i asked ;) bridget, i have a big sis, too..and although she lives across the ocean from me now, she still does a lot for me. there's nothing like a second mama! Posted by lisa on 09/02/04 at 08:10 PM What frazzles me are the non-family pseudo-obligations. And then I get short with my family... I said "no" twice yesterday. One to a friend (makeup party :0) and one to a pastor (teach a children's class). So far, no guilt :) Posted by Anne on 09/03/04 at 01:26 AM good for you, anne...i actually said "no" to babysitting this week. oh, the guilt, but it was freeing in a way also... Posted by lisa on 09/03/04 at 05:08 AM Ok, you people, you've taken a challenge to accomplish something, to do what God has put in your heart to do, and turned it into an opportunity to 'just say no'. Congratulations. I was feeling pretty condemned by Katy's post anyway. I've said no before, no to some very worhwhile things, like teaching a Sunday School class. I said no and still didn't do what I felt God was wanting me to do. There's plenty of reasons. Anybody who wants to write should read a lot, so I read a lot. I read a lot more than I write. I watch TV. Just worthwhile things, you know, things that will inform me and make me a better writer. You know what the real reason is? It's not that I can't say no. I just haven't decided. I haven't decided that God really wants me to do what I claim He has. I have decided that maybe He has. To do what you are called to do takes more than just saying no. It takes making up your mind. I need to drive a stake into the ground that says, 'I know what I am supposed to' and I'll not go back on it, no matter what Satan whispers in my ear. Remember the stones the chidren of Israel took out of the river bed when they crossed the Jordan? Joshua took some, too. And he built a memorial in the middle of the river. That intrigue's the heck out of me. Stones of Rememerance. There's a title for you. PS: I thought this was going to be light and clever but it seems to have come out meaner than I expected. Take the clever and leave the mean stuff for me. Posted by Angus Lewis on 09/03/04 at 03:44 PM Angus's point about not just learning to say no, but then doing the thing we intend to do, is correct. It's like the financial teaching that if you just forego your "latte factor," you'll gain financial independence. It's true you have to say "no" to the little indulgences that are keeping you from your greater goal, but then you actually have to save and/or invest the money you didn't spend frivolously. Maybe, to be actively intentional, for every time I say "no," I need to commit to what I'll really be doing with that time. Am I going to work on my next book with the time I would have spent in the church nursery? Or am I just saying no, but not pursuing the thing I'd rather/should be doing? Please don't confuse me for someone who has anwers. I'm just like all the other post-modern, quasi-emergent bloggers out there. All questions, all the time... :) Posted by Katy on 09/03/04 at 05:08 PM I agree absolutely, lack of commitment to one thing doesn't presuppose a commitment to any other worthwhile thing. It could just mean that I've gotten lazy as all get out as I've gotten older. :) I think the "no" thing is so big because it's hard to change streams/habits/attitudes/thought processes. For me it is, anyway. And as Angus said, "I haven't decided that God really wants me to do what I claim He has. I have decided that maybe He has." That's actually much farther along than I am. Some things must drop off in order to move forward in testing out whether I'm really hearing what God wants or not. The temptation is to just add on the new things and continue with all the old commitments. That way no one's expectations of me have to change. And I'm not disappointing anyone. I'm just becoming a frazzled mess. Then who has time to listen when God has something to say? Right now, I'm still definitely listening and re-grouping and preparing myself with some basic background knowledge that I didn't take the time to get when I was younger. And I'm loving it! But it does take up quite a bit of time and here I am back at saying "no" once again. :) Posted by Anne on 09/03/04 at 06:22 PM I used to think there was something I was missing, something waiting for me to find it, something More. But recently, I've come to realize I'm precisely where and what I'm meant to be, growing, changing, enjoying all the while. And that thing that was waiting? It was my life, patiently yet quickly passing by in hopes I would stop to notice it. I did. And am happier for it. Posted by Jennifer on 09/04/04 at 02:41 AM jennifer, in that i am in your boat with you, though our circumstances may be a bit different...i began answering this post of katy's with a comment about my current place in life. where i am is chock full of opportunities to give, to love, to teach and learn, to experience ups and downs and figure out how to walk with my God through them...again, i am the mother of small children. this, in effect, is my calling, my mission field, what i'm supposed to be doing. and i find that when i take on a lot of outside stuff in the interests of those outside my family or even just myself, that calling suffers. so to clarify - that is why i need to be better about saying no - i agree with the wisdom of not just denying one thing but redirecting the resources to the right thing. and i love that we can share and question and respond in bloggerland - i think it's a healthy thing. alright, someone else's turn on the soapbox... Posted by lisa on 09/05/04 at 03:30 PM Just say "oh, I have something planned already..." and leave it at that. Then go home and take a bubblebath. You will find yourself saying NO much more often when you attach a reward to it. Posted by Ed on 09/12/04 at 09:28 PM Page 1 of 1 pages Commenting is not available in this weblog entry. Next entry: A Writer's Motto Previous entry: Every Season Under Heaven << Back to main


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Personal blog of christianwriter & fallible momKaty McKenna Raymondin Kansas City, Missouri

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Personal blog of christian
writer & fallible mom
Katy McKenna Raymond
in Kansas City, Missouri