Toe Gross-Out!

I can handle a lot, people. Bodily functions, as I’m sure you’ve realized by now, do not upset me. Blood, sweat, tears, and assorted other excretions and secretions are par for my children-and-mother-intense existence.

OK, there a few things I’m not overly comfortable with. I adore the TV show “House,” but when they show a patient’s skull being screwed into a frame and bolted to the gurney, well. I once faced the possibility of that very prospect, and believe me, I had to have a prescription of Xanax on hand just to imagine it.

That’s right. If my brain tumor had continued to grow, I would have been a perfect candidate for the “gamma knife,” a sharp beam of targeted radioactive material which can easily miss its mark and fry one’s intellect unless the head is screwed down.

Thank God the tumor remained too small, and traditional open brain surgery was required! Give me a good-old fashioned incision any day! Holes, and stitches, and drains, oh my! But please, no screws.

Apart from that, the only major problem I have related to the body and the care thereof is this: I hate toes. And not just any toes. Old people toes. Toes deformed by bunions, corns, callouses, and ingrown nails are repulsive, but the WORST THING EVER is fungus! And bizarrely thick toe nails that appear to be contructed out of material more substantive than the siding on my house.

My mother is obsessed with her Doctor of Podiatry, the guy who makes rounds at the Funny Farm and clips the old folks’ toe nails.

“I can’t wait for his visits,” she reports. “Dr. Cho always asks about my broken arm. He’s just the nicest man.”

“But, your arm? I thought he did your toenails…” I say. (Even typing “did your toenails” makes me gag a little.)

“Katy, a good toenail man will be interested in the whole body.”

Oh, dear Lord.

“And besides, on the day he comes—make sure I wrote it on my calendar, will you?—it’s a social occasion. We all gather in the activity room and—”

“Please don’t tell me you circle up and watch each other having your toenails chiseled? PLEASE…”

“What’s wrong with that? About eight of us at a time are called down to the room. The chairs are in a circle near the fireplace…”

Dear, dear Lord.

Doug’s mother is equally toe-nail-minded. We’re moving her to a new facility in the next couple weeks, where she can get a higher level of care. One of the concerns with this type of move is that she find some new friends, people who share her interests and abilities.

So Doug and his sisters took her to visit a couple of places that had come recommended. The director purposely sent some of the “with-it” residents over to speak with Adele during lunch, to introduce themselves and make her feel comfortable.

“I’ve been living here nearly two years,” one nice lady said. “I really like it. One of my hobbies is to study the lives of the First Ladies. I even get to make presentations about them to the other residents—”

“Yes, but what day does the toenail doctor come?” Adele blurted out. “Because mine are really getting out of hand.”

I gotta go. The gagging has gotten the best of me.

(Hat tip to Girls Write Out for introducing this disgusting subject.)

Posted by Katy on 04/25/07 at 03:25 PM

Fallible Comments...

Umm, yuck. I'm going to get a pedicure right now.

:-)
Posted by Suzan on 04/25/07 at 05:12 PM
Suzan--But, to get a pedicure, don't you have to let someone actually...um...TOUCH YOUR TOES?? That's a deal breaker for me.... :)
Posted by Katy on 04/25/07 at 05:17 PM
Pedicures are kinda gross, so I only get one a year, that's all I can stand. I bring a book and try to ignore what's going on. I have a friend who gets two per month...whew, I'd never be able to stand it. Here in the south, everyone wears sandals and shows off their pedicures. I don't try and compete with that. Once a year is plenty for me.
Posted by Suzan on 04/25/07 at 09:00 PM
My mother is a diabetic and takes excellent care of her feet. In fact, as I visited with her Tuesday, I actually thought what beautiful feet you have...

She spent all last summer in a convalesent (sp?) hospital and had to schedule her visits with the podiatrist. If your toenails are long, but you know you're going to have to wait a month to get them cut--the wait can be excruciating. I was prevailed upon to cut them for her! Voila, a gross and tender and hilarious memory!
Posted by Terri on 04/26/07 at 12:05 AM
Footnote to Katy.

My dear wife Anne has the misfortune of only posessing 5 toenails in total (not all on the same foot).

However, it doesn't make her any less of a person(she can still toe the line with the best of them and sometimes win).

Cutting her remaining toe nails is such a fun activity we are thinking of selling tickets.

Of course, photos will be supplied if required.
Posted by John PG McKenna on 04/27/07 at 05:34 PM
Suzan--I think you're amazing for enduring one per year!! That's about how often I have to have an MRI of my head, which I tolerate WAY better than I would a pedicure!!

Terri--Your mother sounds lovely. It sounds as if you two bonded even more than you already were, over her toe nails. That sounds like a MIRACLE to me, but hey. Miracles do happen!!

John PG McKenna--"Footnote," eh? Unbelievable. Your Anne is quite the lady. I loved meeting her, and my enjoyment is in no way diminished by finding out that she is only half toenailed. In fact, that endears her to me even more!! :) If you want to charge admission, I will send my mother over to make the show even more of a sell-out. Monetize, baby!
Posted by Katy on 05/01/07 at 07:43 PM

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Personal blog of christian writer & fallible mom Katy McKenna Raymond in Kansas City, Missouri Katy is represented by Greg Johnson at WordServe Literary Read more Katy at LateBoomer.net Follow Katy on Twitter Follow Katy on Facebook 123 Recent Posts Try Becoming Brenda Starr Off Beat Scattered That’s It So I’ve Finally Signed With An Agent. Now What? The Spoon Sciatica Sweetheart A Woman’s Train of Thought Has No Caboose However much we own, we are all still living on borrowed time After all, when restaurants shrink portions, they don’t shrink prices. As with everything in life, balance is key. Slow down, you move too fast… Yeah, I know. I have issues. Search Advanced Search Syndicate Login E me at katy @ ngenius.com	Toe Gross-Out! I can handle a lot, people. Bodily functions, as I’m sure you’ve realized by now, do not upset me. Blood, sweat, tears, and assorted other excretions and secretions are par for my children-and-mother-intense existence. OK, there a few things I’m not overly comfortable with. I adore the TV show “House,” but when they show a patient’s skull being screwed into a frame and bolted to the gurney, well. I once faced the possibility of that very prospect, and believe me, I had to have a prescription of Xanax on hand just to imagine it. That’s right. If my brain tumor had continued to grow, I would have been a perfect candidate for the “gamma knife,” a sharp beam of targeted radioactive material which can easily miss its mark and fry one’s intellect unless the head is screwed down. Thank God the tumor remained too small, and traditional open brain surgery was required! Give me a good-old fashioned incision any day! Holes, and stitches, and drains, oh my! But please, no screws. Apart from that, the only major problem I have related to the body and the care thereof is this: I hate toes. And not just any toes. Old people toes. Toes deformed by bunions, corns, callouses, and ingrown nails are repulsive, but the WORST THING EVER is fungus! And bizarrely thick toe nails that appear to be contructed out of material more substantive than the siding on my house. My mother is obsessed with her Doctor of Podiatry, the guy who makes rounds at the Funny Farm and clips the old folks’ toe nails. “I can’t wait for his visits,” she reports. “Dr. Cho always asks about my broken arm. He’s just the nicest man.” “But, your arm? I thought he did your toenails…” I say. (Even typing “did your toenails” makes me gag a little.) “Katy, a good toenail man will be interested in the whole body.” Oh, dear Lord. “And besides, on the day he comes—make sure I wrote it on my calendar, will you?—it’s a social occasion. We all gather in the activity room and—” “Please don’t tell me you circle up and watch each other having your toenails chiseled? PLEASE…” “What’s wrong with that? About eight of us at a time are called down to the room. The chairs are in a circle near the fireplace…” Dear, dear Lord. Doug’s mother is equally toe-nail-minded. We’re moving her to a new facility in the next couple weeks, where she can get a higher level of care. One of the concerns with this type of move is that she find some new friends, people who share her interests and abilities. So Doug and his sisters took her to visit a couple of places that had come recommended. The director purposely sent some of the “with-it” residents over to speak with Adele during lunch, to introduce themselves and make her feel comfortable. “I’ve been living here nearly two years,” one nice lady said. “I really like it. One of my hobbies is to study the lives of the First Ladies. I even get to make presentations about them to the other residents—” “Yes, but what day does the toenail doctor come?” Adele blurted out. “Because mine are really getting out of hand.” I gotta go. The gagging has gotten the best of me. (Hat tip to Girls Write Out for introducing this disgusting subject.) Posted by Katy on 04/25/07 at 03:25 PM Fallible Comments... Umm, yuck. I'm going to get a pedicure right now. :-) Posted by Suzan on 04/25/07 at 05:12 PM Suzan--But, to get a pedicure, don't you have to let someone actually...um...TOUCH YOUR TOES?? That's a deal breaker for me.... :) Posted by Katy on 04/25/07 at 05:17 PM Pedicures are kinda gross, so I only get one a year, that's all I can stand. I bring a book and try to ignore what's going on. I have a friend who gets two per month...whew, I'd never be able to stand it. Here in the south, everyone wears sandals and shows off their pedicures. I don't try and compete with that. Once a year is plenty for me. Posted by Suzan on 04/25/07 at 09:00 PM My mother is a diabetic and takes excellent care of her feet. In fact, as I visited with her Tuesday, I actually thought what beautiful feet you have... She spent all last summer in a convalesent (sp?) hospital and had to schedule her visits with the podiatrist. If your toenails are long, but you know you're going to have to wait a month to get them cut--the wait can be excruciating. I was prevailed upon to cut them for her! Voila, a gross and tender and hilarious memory! Posted by Terri on 04/26/07 at 12:05 AM Footnote to Katy. My dear wife Anne has the misfortune of only posessing 5 toenails in total (not all on the same foot). However, it doesn't make her any less of a person(she can still toe the line with the best of them and sometimes win). Cutting her remaining toe nails is such a fun activity we are thinking of selling tickets. Of course, photos will be supplied if required. Posted by John PG McKenna on 04/27/07 at 05:34 PM Suzan--I think you're amazing for enduring one per year!! That's about how often I have to have an MRI of my head, which I tolerate WAY better than I would a pedicure!! Terri--Your mother sounds lovely. It sounds as if you two bonded even more than you already were, over her toe nails. That sounds like a MIRACLE to me, but hey. Miracles do happen!! John PG McKenna--"Footnote," eh? Unbelievable. Your Anne is quite the lady. I loved meeting her, and my enjoyment is in no way diminished by finding out that she is only half toenailed. In fact, that endears her to me even more!! :) If you want to charge admission, I will send my mother over to make the show even more of a sell-out. Monetize, baby! Posted by Katy on 05/01/07 at 07:43 PM Page 1 of 1 pages Commenting is not available in this weblog entry. Next entry: Unentitlement Mentality Previous entry: Date Night << Back to main


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Toe Gross-Out!

Personal blog of christian
writer & fallible mom
Katy McKenna Raymond
in Kansas City, Missouri